You're dumped, asshole

As of today, I'm now meant to refer to this consumer circumstance as de-coupling. This industry, which purports to be expert in communication, never ceases to amaze me in how actively it contributes to the bastardisation of the english language.

Head like a hole

No, this isn't a NIN flashback. It's a post about classic ad quotes. Not quotes I've read, but quotes I've experienced. Occasions when a point raised in a meeting made everyone shut the fuck up and listen. The sentence which stoped even the quickest thinker in his/her soiled tracks. Those few words that weren't meant to be read being between the lines. The words that 'just had to be spoken'.

It all started with one of those briefs where the client decided to shift the goal posts. Not just once, but several times. And not just in relation to what we should say, but who we should say it to. It ended up with the client insisting on a message being tailored to several segments that were about as similar as beef and rhubarb...

ART DIRECTOR:

"So let me get this straight, you don't want to target young, idealistic females anymore, but, really, you want to speak to any cunt with a mouth?"

CLIENT:

"I'm sorry?"

ART DIRECTOR:

"You want to speak to any cunt with a mouth. That's what you're telling us, isn't it? Please, correct me if I'm wrong here".

CLIENT:

"Well yes, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying you're concepts don't meet the brief because you've polarised our audience."

ART DIRECTOR:

"Oh. Right. You mean we spoke to cunts with a cleft palette. Not every cunt with a hole in their head?"

Open wide

Blame our culture, not the advertisers

Last night, the forum-based SBS ‘Insight’ program pulled together the usual bunch of extremists, alarmists, academics, professionals, Joe Publics and ‘victims’ to thrash out issues surrounding the ‘tween market’. As expected, and in my opinion, rightly so, the debate quickly focused in on the ‘sexualisation’ of girls as young as 6 - with the key question being who is to blame for this? And yes, you guessed it, the participants almost unanimously pointed the finger at advertisers.

Is there any truth to this? For me, the only ‘truth’ uncovered last night was that while the general public can grasp why markets are exploited (and that ethics sometimes go out the door), it has a profound mis-understanding of how cultural norms are established and subsequent markets are born. To suggest that advertisers (as in manufacturers and agencies) created this problem is a falsehood.

Ask yourself why, in the first instance, would young girls nag their parents for products such as ‘bralettes’ or ‘bratz’. What created this desire in young girls to unwittingly and unknowingly sexualise themselves? The answer? Every kid is bombarded daily with pop-culture norms that are established via the imagery and discourse our television programs (O.C. Neighbours, Desperate Housewives), pop music (Pussy Cat Dolls, Britney Spears etc), and media promote. Then there’s the Paris Hilton phenomena and the fact that kids just want to be like bigger kids. And let’s not forgot our broader aspirations and values that created the environment for these cultural products in the first instance:

• We believe in freedom of expression – be it speech, sexuality, fashion, music or art.
• We don’t believe in censorship
• We believe in the equality of race and gender
• We believe in choice

Combined, this is what creates cultural norms and the desire to conform, not its by-product of advertising. Rightly or wrongly, a cultural trend is established, a business creates a product to exploit it, and then advertising agencies spruik it.

Should advertisers be more responsible in how they depict kids? Absolutely. Should advertisers stop marketing these products? Maybe. Should advertisers be held responsible for the sexualisation of kids? Absolutely not.

The responsibility for the problem lies in our culture. To affect change, and stop the sexualisation of children, we must first take a long hard look at ourselves.

We told you so

We told you we need to shoot the images

You said 'no, I want to look at stock options.'

We told you we'll only search right's managed shots

You said 'no, I don't want to blow my budget.'

We told you there's a chance competitors could use the same shot

You said, 'that's highly unlikely.'

We told you this 34pp A4 services brochure is a significant investment, and you must protect that

You said 'just get on with it.'

....

....

2 months later the project is complete, printed and in-market and then I receieve a copy of a competitor's brochure. Well, whatdyaknow, both companies hero the same image. Seems the two market leaders were educated at the same 'dumb-fuck's school for cheap-skates'.

So, on behalf of my competitor agency who no doubt suffered through a similiar process...WE FUCKING TOLD YOU SO.

blogging code of cuntduct

I’d like to thank ‘writer’ for his latest slight against my good-self over at the advertising agency. His barbed attempt to denigrate my character is not an uncommon activity - and one 'account wranglers' the world-over would be familiar with from their respective fake-writers.

So, I hear you ask, why the hell am I thanking this so-called 'writer' who subscribes to a code of blogging cuntduct?

Simple. 'Writer' works for my agency as a freelancer. In fact, today he's working on several of my inspiring, original and strategically perfect briefs. Well, at least I thought he was. Which brings me to my very own, and yes now very public, cunt-act. As Account Director, I thank you writer, now I will generate another $270 by striking an hour off your timesheet, yet still charging the client for it. Please post outside of work hours, writer.

A daily occurrence

Sad fucks

I’ve always subscribed to the theory that says if you’re continuously coming into work early and staying back late then there’s only two possible reasons why:

1. You are shit at your job, or
2. Your Agency is taking the piss out of you

Lately I’ve realised that there is in fact a third reason:

3. You are a sad fuck

You know the type. The guy in creative who ‘lives for advertising’. The power-bitch suit with no friends outside her ‘industry network’. The new kid freshly spewed from the university system who shamelessly seeks a mentor. The wanker art director that tells anyone who’ll listen that ‘I work in advertising’.

There’s only one person who’s more pathetic and he/she is generally the ‘old hand’ in the agency who pines for 'the old days of advertising'…the sad fuck who’s shit as his job and let’s the agency take the piss out of him.

Get a life, losers.

myspace is for cunts

But not the topic of this post.

Since (my last post) drinking my through Eastern Europe, the UK, the UAE and more recently South East Asia, I've been "getting ads out" and toiling over the golden question - 'When's the right time to get out?' To be honest, I thought I'd return from holiday late last year and quit. But I didn't. Why? Well, that's a long story and has more to do with the she-monkey taking an overseas post for a year, and me needing to earn enough money back home to maintain the lifestyle to which I am accustomed. 'Down-shifting' wasn't to be a timely financial-option.

And now? Well, now I've resigned myself to at least another 2 or 3 years of prostituting my soul in return for copious amounts of money - and back to blogging about it I guess.

So, to catch you up, in the last six months at my agency...

8 people have been made redundant

10 people have resigned (read: been poached)

Management has replaced these 18 people with 10 (who I presume are super-human)

1 major account has been lost (nothing to do with the redundancies or resignations)

'Writer' (from theadvertisingagency.blogspot.com) and I discovered each others identity. What's more, that we've been
working on the same account for the same agency over a period of about 12 months. A small world indeed.

We have a new MD

I have a new group head

We have lost 2 pitches.

We are on the short-list of 1 more.

I've called several people 'cunt'

Several people have called me 'cunt'

The Advertising Standards board deemed one of our ads 'inappropriate for children' and thus it's been ruled that we can no longer run it. It wasn't a cheap ad either.

Oh, and I made the firm decision that myspace is most certainly for cunts.

Six and out, almost

Busy, busy. Six more TVCs complete as of an hour ago. Legal signoff and all. It’s been a cunt of a month, but nothing can break my mood now…one more week, and then I’m off on four and half weeks of glorious holiday. So to Dubai, Scotland, Prague, Krakow, Rodos and Istanbul – stock your bars.

There’s a grub amongst us.

So I walk into our clean, somewhat ‘vogue living’ amenities this morning, front-up to the wall-mounted urinal, un-zip and assume the stance. Eyes, as dictated by etiquette, fixed on the pure white tiles some 30cm from my face. Well, what are usually pure white tiles. What greeted me today was snot. Lots of it. Spattered across the tiles at head height.

The spattering was what got me most. Looking at the quantity, and the distribution, it was obvious this wasn’t a pick and smear job. This was evidence the ‘bushman’s hanky’ technique had been employed. Those not familiar with this technique, or perhaps this Australian colloquialism, let me explain simply. Block off your right nostril with your thumb. Close mouth. Blow hard, short bursts of air through the un-blocked left nostril. Alternate nostrils and repeat process. Becareful to aim your nose away from your body.

If you’re thinking this sounds primal, grotesque and totally unsophisticated – you’re right. Which brings me to my current mission. Which overpaid ad monkey among us is the grub? And when I discover who it is, how should I shame them?

Don't write, get traffic

Yep, I'm still alive, but overly busy - hence no posts of late. Strangest fucking thing though, I've had a significant increase in visitors over the past fortnight - usually when I don't post I see the number of visitors steadily drop, daily. Anyway, I'll have something to say soon, no doubt. Stay tuned.

Presentation via conference call

Thanks to advergirl for the kind plug and bringing my attention to this outrageously funny clip. Go there now ad monkeys, and squirm...

Think of the money

Saturday in the office. Monday comes. Client dislikes it. Hates it. Monday spent fixing. Monday afternoon told "we need 10am Tuesday". Monday night (now, it's 11pm Oz) still working. Looks like a couple of hours off still. Presentation 9:15am tomorrow. 5 bottles of wine between 3 of us, so far. Must keep myself nice for morning. Want to sleep. Need another beverage. Remember to get cabcharge. Rethinking job in this industry. Still seems easy. Think of the money.

Production lies.

Quality production managers are worth their weight in splendorgel. Walk into any agency and you can easily identify him/her by spotting the person engaged in one of following activities:

- Sniffing the ink on a newly-arrived print item in an addict-like manner.
- Gently stroking a new stock variety (with a sexually stimulated look on his/her face. Designers too enjoy this activity, so be careful not to confuse them – if they are dressed well, move on and continue your search).
- Yelling down the phone about costs and/or timings.
- Whipping a mac monkey for setting up artwork incorrectly.
- Attending one-by-one to a line of ‘suits’ and ‘creatives’ parked outside his/her office.

It’s this final occurance that sorts the good from the bad. The time-poor production manager is faced with managing the internal expectations of agency staffers, while at the same time screwing suppliers to the point where they still want your business. How do they do it? Simple, they lie.

Suit (frantic): Have those brochures arrived yet?

PM (poker-faced): I’m expecting them soon. I’ll give Printer X a call and follow up.

Translation: I’m expecting them in two days. Fuck off. When you come back in an hour’s time, I’ll tell you I’ve placed a call (but haven’t), they are doing everything possible to get them through, but can’t guarantee delivery today just yet. They’ll keep us up to date as the day progresses.



Designer (serious): Is this the recycled non-bleach chemical free nouveau white stock I specified?

PM (poker-faced): Sure is. Beautiful stuff isn’t it – can’t wait to smell the ink on that one.

Translation: No it’s not, pretentious git. It’s half the price, and actually holds ink. But you wouldn’t know the fucking difference anyway. I could print your work on anything and you’d still make the comment “the stock I suggested really makes this piece”.



Printer (beaten): I’ll see what I can do about matching Printer X’s cost.

PM (Poker-faced): Thanks, because there’s a lot of work coming up that I’d like to give to you guys.

Translation: I have no intention of giving you any further work unless you give me the price that I want. What’s more, I reserve the right to not give it to you even if you do match the price.

Point of this post? Production lies is the oil of the agency machine. If your production manager can’t bend the truth, have him/her removed.

Fucked communication industry jobs #1 – Ad/media sales

First, to any ad sales people who in the unlikely event read this post and complain by way of an anonymous comment, know this; I really couldn’t care less if I’ve offended you. Second, don’t bother suggesting you’ve been unfairly singled out - I’ll slander other shit jobs in future posts.

Moving on then, so why is advertising sales such a shit job and why are the people who perform this function generally wankers? Well, I’m glad I asked me, let me tell you…

1. Selling ad space is like selling cars. Day in day out you’re spruiking your wares to a cynical audience who think your full of shit.

2. Deeper than deep throat. No matter how many times you’re rejected, ignored and told to fuck off, as soon as you’ve got a new offer you come trotting back, unashamedly, and suck cock yet again…only to be slapped like the poodle-bitch you are. But you like that, don’t you?

Now it gets more personal…

3. All too often ad sales people try to pass themselves off as someone who works agency side – because secretly they wish they did. At both social and industry occasions I’ve heard people respond to a question about their vocation with “I work in advertising”. Wrong, you work in flogging media space, like real estate. Now go and tell the retail assistant you’re trying to pick up that you don’t come up with ‘wacky’ creative concepts each day (in between snorting lines of coke, and lazing on leather sofas) but instead perform a role no more glamorous than telemarketing.

4. I said this before, and I’ll say it again. Ad sales people are downright lazy when it comes to researching a clients needs, or producing a powerpoint prop. I’ve seen so many recycled powerpoint presentations where the ad sales sloth has replaced Brand X with Brand Y in all but 2 or three places. Quite embarrassing for them during the presentation. I’ve even been lucky enough to speak to a rep who did no research on our client, and as a result, tried to flog a package that would see an industrial refrigeration company (that manufactures products to suit abattoirs) advertising in an up-market home living magazine. Click here for the full post

When I think of ad sales people, I truly appreciate the effort media buyers put in…afterall, they have to deal with these schmucks on an hourly basis. So, here’s to you, Media Buyer, may the force be with you.

Just 'photoshop it'.

Death by a thousand cuts

Sometimes what starts as a great concept slowly becomes an idealess piece of miscommunication not even fit to be placed in free community press. A larger typeface here, italicized word there, slightly bigger logo, less image to make way for useless copy (demanded by legals), slight change to the headline, decision to go stock shot and not pay a photographer etcetera etcetera. It’s known as ‘death by a thousand cuts.’ But, this doesn’t just apply to the concept itself, it also reflects what happens to a team’s enthusiasm for a project…and I’m talking about all involved agency-side.

The brief

Emotional status: Optimistic

All involved are generally enthused; sometimes you even see genuine passion. They’re all looking forward to working on something new (no matter how big or small), and want to crack the brief with an impressive, original solution.

Post-Presentation

Emotional status: Relief

Post-presentation, confidence remains that the concept will be produced, un-harmed. Tough questions have been fielded, and answered. The client seems happy, so commonly agency staffers head to the pub, relieved.

Revision 1

Emotional status: cooperative

Some changes are conceded, others are fought for. All in all, the concept remains intact, and an execution still to be proud of.

Revision 2

Emotional status: belligerent

The changes previously fought against, are back again. This time, they must be changed. This is the point in the process when all hell breaks loose in the agency. Lots of shouting, lots of fuck offs and lots of anger at the clients stupidity. This is the stage at which a suit should never, ever suggest a creative is being ‘precious’. And vice versa, a creative should never suggest the suit hasn’t gone into battle. This is where the idea is raped.

Revision 3

Emotional status: disbelief

This round, the changes defy logic. All involved are stunned, literally. You’ll often hear cautiously stated “Is this a joke?”.

Revision 4

Emotional status: apathetic

The changes being requested now are simply outrageous. But given the idea was destroyed two versions ago, fighting against these changes (usually from a client’s legal department) is futile, and a waste of energy. “Fuck it. Just give them what they want”.

Despatch

Emotional status: disgust, yet some what liberated

“Get this fucking piece of shit out of my sight. It’s embarrassing, and I rather forget the whole sorry episode. And no, I'm not putting my signature on it."

The sting

Just when you managed to file the memory under ‘suppressed’, a strange sickness comes when you’re chatting to a friend and they say “Hey, I saw a Brand X ad the other day, is that one of yours?”

Working in, not commenting on

There’s a shit-heap of great ad commentary blogs out there, a few I’ve listed in my links on the right. There’s also a fuckload of shit ad commentary blogs out there…those I haven’t listed. Not to say if you have a blog and it’s not there then it’s shit – send it to me.

However, I’d like to draw the attention of my very few readers to the following blogs that brilliantly and humorously, in most parts, record the vagaries of life within an advertising agency. Check them all out, and be sure to go back regularly…

the advertising agency
why advertising sucks

And a relatively new blog that combines commentary with an insight into agency life, that I’m hoping will do more of the later…

scamp

For the best of both worlds, be sure to visit…

Adverb

Chit chat - CD & Suit

CD and Senior Suit are sitting around shooting the shit until it’s an acceptable hour to leave and head for the pub (11am). The big presentation is over, a three week lead up of late nights is now in the past and they are enjoying a well-deserved respite...at least until the client comes back in a day or so and inevitably shit-cans the work.

CD – Sometimes I think our industry should be unionised.

Suit – I don't.

CD – That’s because you’re a suit.

Suit – Fuck off, over-rated colouring-in boy. Why should we be? Give me an example.

CD – Ok. We’ve worked our asses off for three weeks, way beyond our contract hours, and what do we get? No overtime, nothing, not a fucking single cent more.

Suit – Well, last year you got a trip to Hawaii to say thanks. I seem to remember I got fuck all.

CD (ignoring the hole exposed) – Exactly, you got fuck all. You should be pissed.

Suit – I tell you what I got. I got to keep a six figure salary mate. I got to stay within the top 5% of the highest-income earners in this country. What I didn’t get was some fucked award overtime-rate to accompany an even more fucked standard hourly-rate…what you seem to be arguing for.

CD – You’re missing the point.

Suit – Am I?

CD – You are.

Suit – OK, so you’re deluded and still seem to think you’re right. Hit me with another example.

CD – Sure thing, bagman. If we worked in retail, for example, and were forced to do horrendous overtime without being remunerated, we’d have the right to strike.

Suit – You’re clutching at straws.

CD – Bullshit. I’m saying we’d have a legal right to strike, and still keep our jobs.

Suit – Let me remind you of your behaviour over the last few weeks. I can count on two hands the number of times you refused to accept anyone else’s opinion, typically proceeded to then abuse someone and finish by walking out of the office.

CD – Yeah, but…

Suit – Hold on, let me finish. You’d then return 3 hours later, drunk and even more obnoxious. You also ended up getting you way. I’d say that counts as going on ‘strike’, just an immature version…like the little boy who picked up his ball and went home because he didn’t want to play anymore.

CD – Can you fucking blame me? I’ve got you’re fucking team of poodles suggesting harder retail, a junior writer who’s quite frankly illiterate, a coked-up Art Director and no other resources I could pull onto this job.

Suit – I didn’t say I blame you. I just said you striked.

CD – Which should be a legal option under those circumstances.

Suit – Maybe, but certainly not arriving back pissed and operating heavy-software. You wouldn’t get away with that in the factory.

CD – See you agree.

Suit – Agree with what?

CD – You just agreed I should have the right. Proves my point.

Suit – No I didn’t.

CD – I win. Thanks. We should be unionised.

Suit – You’re full of shit. You always fucking twist people’s words to support your argument, then refuse to discuss it further.

CD – That’s why I’m CD.

Outta touch

This is the governments understanding of what kids these days are into...so too many marketers.

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Public holidays to celebrate the death of a fictional character.

I love it. Public holidays for Friday and Monday – the biggest scam those crazy religion-fiends have pulled off yet.

What I don’t love is coming to work today knowing the following will happen, and since arriving, has…

- Client #1 shits it, realising only now that two business days are now missing, and that item they were going to brief us on tomorrow, and require turn-around on Monday, now has to be done today. 11:00am is the first we hear of it.

- Client #2 realises printer is also missing two days, so finished art must be completed on eight different jobs immediately and despatched.

- Client #1, from shitting it, provides extremely poor brief which then leads to a re-brief and new artwork.

- Client simply cannot understand that given their poor organization skills we are unable to deliver on all requests…

“What do you mean, can’t you just call in some freelancers?”

“Well, yes, we have, but seems dumb fucks like you at every company around town have been doing this to all the other agencies and now there’s a shortage of decent freelancers around. Cunt”.

And, the final one I’m expecting in a few hours time…

“Would you guys mind working for a few hours over the long weekend?”

Arrogance 101

Being right can be tiresome. You're expected to prove your point, which takes time and effort. And quite frankly, sometimes you just can't be fucked. That's when I like to use the following statement, then walk away.

"Questioning me will only serve to show that I am right"

A day in the life of a client

Preface - this gets a little rough, but fuck 'em - today one client has pushed me too far. This is purely fictional, of course.

It's morning, and the client's thinking today I will...

Ask the agency to do a new concept to replace the one I approved yesterday

Blatantly lie about my deadlines

Write another poorly thought out re-brief

Not bother to read the return-brief

Change my mind about the brief once creative work has begun

Open mail, and then ask for detailed breakdown of costs on invoices I’ve received to further delay payment

Look to my competitors for ideas I can steal and copy, then demand the agency reproduce with our logo on it

Read the latest management mag to pick up some new phrases and to enjoy the article on the new Range Rover

Re-write the scripts we will be recording in half an hour

Search for water-sports porn on the internet

Turn up to the studio and throw the scripts at the writer

Watch the writer struggle to remain professional

Perv at the account executive, and flirt openly with her

Enjoy knowing the account exec has to be nice to me

Exploit this relationship while the writer fumes

Refuse the writer the opportunity to change my scripts

Loadly criticise the VO talent in the studio

Suggest alternative intonation to writer

Not approve the ad in the studio.

Take it back to work and ask the secretary what she thinks

Take her comments on board

Ring the agency and complain it is off-brief

Tell Agency to start again – refuse to pay for studio time

Write new brief for a phantom-job to make agency earn their retainer. Include all mediums as mandatory for the concept presentation

Ring Agency and complain about finished art costs, colour lasers and couriers

Ask Agency to quote on several, complicated print jobs

Receive quotes and go with own supplier

Meet with MD of Agency for a few drinks, at his expense

Not realise I am paying for it anyway

Tell him I want a new creative team on our business - regail story of poor scripts the writer had produced today

Go to toilet and wank over mental image of account exec

Shake hands with MD and return to work

Ignore requests in inbox from Agency for more information about new product

Ring a new Agency and ask if they want to pitch for our business

Have no intention of switching Agency, but will use this to make current Agency jump through even more hoops

Yawn

Delete search history on internet explorer

Shut-down computer and go home to wife and kids

Drive home in oversized vehicle

Bash wife for not having dinner ready on time

Watch her cry, and laugh to myself

Start to feel horny

Go looking for kids. (updated - got some nasty feedback on the previous line).

A special :) for Joker

Another cracker of a post from the folks over at Why Advertising Sucks.

Here’s a sample to whet your appetite.

“I much rather bland, clearly written jobs that let me do the job right the first time instead of a lame excuse for an official document that happens to have smiley faces and hugs and kisses and all kinds of cute nifty little dimwit things I could have found cute if I were a third grade girl or a mentally retarded, gay, show tune loving, interior designer for mental wards”.

Finally, some good news

So many fucked things have happened today that only this has managed to put a smile on my face. Seems I won't need to make that ad afterall.

The hallway test

So the campaign's been presented, and then the client takes it away "to think about it". The Bullshit Observer knows what happens next

Level-envy

Each day I get in the lift, hit my level number and inevitably someone else hits a floor above. Whether it’s the top floor, simply the one above mine, or any in-between, I feel an immediate sense of level-envy.

Is it better up there? Do those stuffy, dull bean-counters have a better office space? Are their amenities more lavish than ours? Is he/she thinking “Ha, I’m higher up than you – look down upon you later, prole”. And they must be thinking this. I know. Each time I get in the lift and hit a higher level than someone else, I feel smug, and somewhat superior.

What’s fucking wrong with my head? Is this some kind of subconscious megalomania?

Doing the community a service

OK. So you’ve been given a shit-load of media space for zilch, and you’ve got production companies willing to make you ads for nothing. Here’s a few ‘causes’ I’d push:

1. Ben Lee is for cunts – his music’s shit, and although he promotes a kooky, indie façade – he’s just as throw-away pop and un-credible as Ashlee Simpson. Don’t buy his records.

2. Hillsong is a rort, praying on weak-minded youth seeking the false sense of security that belief in life after death offers. In the meantime, Hillsong enjoy all the trappings life has to offer when your super rich. Don’t support them.

3. Christians and Muslims should stop fighting over who the O.G. prophet is and recognise that all religions share the same core values. You don’t kill people. You don’t fuck your neighbour. Don’t steal shit…etc. You are the same.

4. Cats are superior to dogs. Full-stop.

5. Richard Branson should allow his island to be used as a base for all the racists, homophobes and political & religious extremists to be dumped like the social lepers that they are to live out ‘lord of the flies’.

6. Glo sticks and ridiculous ‘danjar! danjar!’ reflective raver pants are for cocks. Full-stop, again.

7. Support additional funding for the ABC. For obvious reasons.

8. Don’t allow Germaine Greer back in Australia, ever.

9. If you own a bottom of the line BMW, don’t think is symbolic of your success. Remember that old mate carpenter Trev’s Ford Falcon cost more.

What would you do?

Selling your soul

f.i.n.e’s comment on my previous post stated AS people have sold their soul - and suggested creatives haven't. This got me thinking, seems a fair enough comment, but is it?

Here’s an analogy. A team of people manufacture cocaine and provide the product to bagmen who then supply it to the local primary school kids. The kids love it, and then like the little fiends they are go and ask the suppliers for more. The bagmen go back to the manufacturers and start the whole process over again.

Neither the manufacturer or the supplier could in anyway suggest that either were less ethical or moral in their actions than the other.

To suggest that creatives haven’t sold out it is, well, frankly bullshit. Creatives are commercial artists, compromising their talent for commercial gain. They manufacture a product, hand it to the bagmen, who then flog-it to the client. Who’s sold out more? Well, that’s not really the question – as with our friends above, I don’t believe either could argue with any degree of certainty that one camp has sold out more than the other. The question is then, who can admit they’ve sold out? I for one don’t give a fuck and am fairly comfortable admitting it - I just make sure I sell out with integrity.

Dumb fucks or not, they still deserve a little sympathy

We should all feel a little sympathy for the poor guys and gals that work client-side. Afterall, working life must be absolutely fucked – and it’s easy to see when you do a simple comparison with our working circumstances.

1. They work in cubicle farms
We work (mostly) in lavish, designer offices.

2. They have a water bubbler
We have all manner of juices and soft drinks to consume at our pleasure

3. They have after work drinks once in a blue moon
We have during and after work drinks daily, free, and not cheap shit.

4. They work on the same project, every fucking day
We work on a dynamic range of jobs, each day

5. They hear the constant buzz of ringing phones, inane natter and gossip
We hear music and laughter

6. Their colleagues are usually dull, boring and of average (or below) intelligence.
Our colleagues are usually charismatic, interesting and of above average intelligence.

7. They get paid
We get overpaid

8. Secretly, they would love to have our job.
We wouldn’t fucking touch theirs

Numerous more comparisons could be made, but I think the above serves to show we should feel at least a little bit of sympathy for those poor fuckers – even if they did bring that shit on themselves.

Shit in, Shit out – Tips for clients part 2

A solid brief = great creative = smooth production = meeting deadlines = shifting product or perceptions = meeting business objectives = everyone looks good = we all win.

A shit brief = fucked creative = re-brief = missed timings = rushed production = low production values = bastardised completed piece = failed to meet business objectives = we all look shit (until the Agency exposes you to senior management) = we all lose.

Tips for (middle management) clients

Before you dismiss a concept because it doesn’t appeal to you, try and consider how your target market might respond to it.

If you can’t decide between two concepts, the solution isn’t taking pieces from both to create a new one.

Your brand is not your logo.

An idea makes an ad. 20% off is not an idea in itself.

Purchasing a rights-managed stock shot doesn’t mean you own it. Yes, we have the high resolution version, but no, you can’t use it again without paying.

Before you ask to increase the font size of the heading, make it all caps, and put it in bold, please refer to your corporate style guide – you’ll see the answer is NO, and won’t have to waste the Agency’s time. What’s more, you’ll also save yourself the embarrassment of admitting you don’t know your own corporate standards.

Same applies with your colour palette.

Don’t write notes or cross things out on a copy deck as it’s being read to you – it’s simply rude.

If you like something you see, praise the Agency – they won’t think you’re as big a cunt as they previously thought.

If you have to use jargon, use it sparingly.

Gather all your changes together at once, and then send them through to the Agency. Don’t dribble them through. It pisses everyone off, takes more time (opening files, resaving, getting internal sign-offs, etc) and costs you more money.

If you send an email asking for something to be done immediately, you’ve made two mistakes:

1. We are not sitting at our desks waiting for you to send an email that instructs us as to our next move. We might receive your urgent email 8 hours later when we are back at our desks.

2. If it’s urgent, call through the change. You won’t look like a prick from sending that demanding, unrealistic turn-around-time email, and you can make sure your request is received. You can even take the opportunity to thank the Agency for turning it around for you.

If you want to use your own printer. Fine. When it fucks up, you’ll wish you’d paid a slight mark-up for someone else to wear the problem.

Don’t mention other Agencies you may have worked with in the past. It’s a small industry, and you can bet someone knows someone who dealt with you in the past. And you can bet there’s some stories you probably don’t want us to know.

Round and round we go

Client - "Can we centre the text please"

AM - "AD, Client wants to centre the text"

AD - "Fuck off"

AM - "Ah, hello Client, AD said it's outside of your corporate ID"

Client - "OK. That's fine, I appreciate AD's concern. On this occasion though, I want the text centred"

AM - "As long as you're aware we're not recommending it"

Client - "I take full responsiblity"

AM - "AD, I spoke with the client, they want the text centred"

AD - "Fuck off"

AM - "Client knows its outside of the guidelines, but accepts responsiblity for it"

AD - "I don't care about the fucking guidelines, it just looks shit"

AM - "Hi Client, it's me again. AD tried the text centred, but it ended up clashing with the overall aesthetic of the piece."

Client - "Just send it through, I'll be the judge of that"

AM - "Ahh, sure. I'll need to get clearence from our GAD. We don't usually send things we don't recomend.

Client - "Just make it happen"

AM - "GAD, Client wants text centred. AD says it looks fucked. Client doesn't care - can you help"

GAD - "Is this outside of guidelines?"

AM - "Yes"

GAD - "Tell them to get fucked"

AM - "Ah, I did, sort of. But they accept responsibility"

GAD - "OK then, I'll talk to AD"

AM - "Thanks"

GAD - "AD - why won't you change this?"

AD - "It looks fucked, but I was also having too much fun giving AM the shits"

GAD - "Just change the fucking thing will ya."

AD - "OK, I'll speak with CD

AD - "CD, GAD wants this changed"

CD - "Fuck Off"

AD - "GAD wants it changed though"

CD - "Well GAD can get fucked, it's outside of the corporate guidelines"

AD - "I know, but AM checked with Client, and Client accpets responsibility"

CD - "I don't give a fuck, we're not changing it, it looks shit'

AD - "Fine, you tell GAD"

CD - "GAD, this is not going to happen. Tell AM and Client to fuck off"


And so it goes. On and on. Round in circles. Useless arguments. Wasted time. Egos to massage. Advertising is full of it.

A worthy contribution

Today I spent around 20 minutes devising an argument as to why an animated confectionery product, when personified, shouldn't appear too human. The argument was contributed to by many colleagues. In total, I'd say about 1.5 hours of collective time was incurred prior to a response being given to the client.

On the train home I started to think about how frivolous, rather superfluous, were many of the issues my intellectual rigueur had been applied to today. This reminded me of a quote I came across early last year. To whom I can attribute it, I don't know - but I don't claim it as my own...

"Chess is the single biggest waste of intellectual ability outside of an advertising agency"

How does ‘get fucked’ sound?

Working in advertising requires a thick-skin, a measure of diplomacy and patience. But like all humans (yes, we are human), when the pressure’s on for an extended period of time with no break in the foreseeable future, shit happens. I’ve worked with an Art Director that has smashed a coffee table in front of a client and kicked in a door. The result? A well-earned holiday.

I need to hold down a job, so I calm myself by fantasising about what I could say in various situations. Here’s a few examples:

Client: I don’t see how this meets the brief.

Me: That doesn’t surprise me. The only book you read last year was The Da Vinci Code…and you thought it was brilliant.

...

Client: I’ve worked in Marketing for 20 years, and I’m telling YOU I know what works.

Me: Don’t take your life out on me.

...

Client: I must say, it’s not what I expected the finished ad would look like.

Me: Let me tell you why:

1. You’re not a Writer – yet insisted on fucking up the copy.
2. You’re not an Art Director – yet insisted on fucking up the art direction.
3. You cut the budget and as a result fucked the production values.

...

Client: I’m really sorry, but my Boss wants it changed.

Me: Let me get you a wheelchair, you spineless piece of grad school shit.

...

Client: I want this turned around today.

Me: Well I want to loudly criticise your ongoing incompetence in front of your colleagues, but we can’t have everything we want can we?

...

Client: I know you guys worked over the weekend to meet our unrealistic timings, but I need to push the presentation time back a week now.

Me: Have you ever wondered why people say you’re an inconsiderate c**t?


I could go on all day, but alas, I’ve some clients to attend to. So, drop me a comment and hit me with some of your fantasy lines…

Job security measure

Blogging about work demands extreme caution. Revealing your identity, your agency or your clients can land you in a position where you’ll hear the words “summarily dismissed” – or at very least cop a blood nose. Fuck that. There are so many situations that occur that I’d love to blog about but can’t for this reason.

So, keeping in the Manu frame of mind, I’m going to create a few other characters I can use to play out some of these situations, and hopefully have a laugh along the way. First I’ll need a writer to partner with Manu…stay tuned.

I have no surname

What’s with factory hands (read 'creatives') who apparently only have a first name?

Last year, my Production Manager (big shout-out to Diz) and I trawled through campaign brief to see how many Creative Directors have no surname. We found that 4 individuals of about 20 mentioned in the publication were so cutting-edge that they had become the archetype for their given name. Pretentiously, now it would seem it is only a requirement of others past, present and future who share their name to be burdened and branded with a surname. After all, I suppose, the original must be differentiated from.

“Hi, I’m John, pleased to meet you”

“John, you mean, THE John!?”

“No, no. Sorry, my fault. I’m not John, I’m John 12045 – I didn’t mean to mislead you.”

“Oh, well, nice to meet you anyway John 12045. I was so excited for a second there, I thought I was going to meet a genius!”

“Yeah, it happens all the time. John sure was a visionary. There’s no way I could ever match his accomplishments in Advertising. I’ve come to accept it though, now I’m content to just keep working away at my new quantum physics theorem.

“Yeah, must be so hard to live in someone else’s shadow”

We found this so utterly repulsive, arrogant and piss-funny, that we decided to create our own fictional Art Director – Manu.

Manu is Spanish. He'd accpeted an exchange role in Australia in order to reignite his passion for advertising. Back home, he'd become despondent. He'd won all the acclaim there was to win, and spent most of his time searching for the perfect awards cabinent...a search that was futile - Manu is a design genius and no cabinent would ever meet his standards.

Once in Australia and away from his awards, on some days Manu chose only to communicate with those who could speak the north-eastern Spanish dialect of catalan – those who couldn’t were obviously intellectual pigmies and therefore had no right to converse with Manu, or indeed, view his work. They plainly wouldn’t understand, and it would be an insult to Manu's superior intelligence to lower himself to their level.

Manu only ever worked on any given project once. He would inject the creative genius required, then pass it on to the juniors after refusing to accept a clients request for changes.

Manu is a tortured soul, a genius, an archetype.

Introducing, Manu...

ALL YOU CAN CASH AND CARRY!

Fuck obscure branding concepts. Forget high production values. Don’t engage the hack, failed film-maker director who’s “between projects”. And, most importantly, drop three zeros off your budget.

If you want an ad that breaks through the clutter, and shifts product, take my advice and follow this recipe:

1. Book direct only 60” spots (why pay an Agency? They’ll rip you off.).

2. Make sure production of your ad is included as “added-value” with your media buy (again, no need for those pony-tailed ad wankers).

3. Get a digital camera, and provide the station with loads of poorly-shot product pics you took yourself (photographers will waste your whole day setting up lighting, and they’ll rip you off).

4. Engage VO talent that can shout aggressively (the station should have plenty of these guys at their fingertips).

5. Don’t be scared of supers. The more the better and make sure they are different colours. Preferably from the fluorescents colour palette. Just tell the production guys and they’ll excitedly handle this for you.

6. Quick cuts are essential. Ensure a product pic, gaudy super and shouted line appear in unison and are on-screen for no longer than 2 seconds. Again, tell the editor and he/she will do this for you.

7. Write it yourself, it’s easy - just select and repeat lines such as:

“All you can cash and carry”
“Just get down here”
“Never again prices”
“Don’t miss it”
“All under one roof”
“Minimum XX% off” (don’t say sale price, just put a tiny super at the base with XX% off RRP)

8. Ensure the sound-mix is at legal limit, and filled out. Get the sound guy to include heaps of sound effects as supers appear (stamping sounds, whooshing etc.)

Now you’ve got yourself an ad that is so load, laughable, visually and aurally offensive, that it will stand out from the sweetly produced branding wank it will air amongst – and, the audience will remember it for that reason alone.

My favorite ad of this genre I saw a couple of months ago. It was a typical stock clearance ad screaming company X needed to make way for new product arriving from overseas – so, you guessed it, everything just had to go.

The best bit was...

Image (static): Container ship
M.V.O. (shouting): We’ve got an absolute “shipload” of product that’s got to go!
Super (flashing): Minimum 70% off everything!

Go on, d-i-y advertising - you know you want to.

Finger gun

This is my mate, Squallapino, a cameraman with the press gallery in Canberra. This was taken at the end of year press function in the lodge. Unfortunately, the finger gun misfired, his collegue got thrown out for pissing on a plant outside the lodge, and my mate had to delete several images of Janette snapped in the kitchen (she was in the freezer digging out some Findus frozen food - a women of such refined taste...)

Creative is an adjective

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany. I don’t believe in creative – as a noun.

For those that don’t work in the ad/design industry, creative is commonly used in the following ways:

“Jim, have you and Todd finished working up the creative”?

“Where’s Todd, is he in creative?”

“That’s Jim, he’s a creative”

So, creative is used as a noun to describe a product, location or role. It sounds wrong, and that’s because regardless of what dictionarydotfuckingcom says, it is. Ask anyone you know who has nothing to do with advertising, and they’ll say it doesn’t sound right. For those of you who do work in adland, think back to the first time you heard creative used as a noun…see, I bet you thought is sounded odd.

As we kick off a new year, my resolution is to stop using this word, and simply refer to the creative work as the ‘product’, the location as the ‘factory’ and the job as a ‘factory-hand’. Quite fitting I think, It’s not fucking art after all…and I know it hurts, but just accept it – you’re a COMMERCIAL artist, busying yourself pumping out product and helping to further bastardise the English language.

P.S. – dictionary.com defines creative first as an adjective, and second as a noun. The most amusing thing is, the noun reference gives an example of its use in the advertising industry only. Collins – at least the mini version – only cites its use as an adjective.

Don't call me buddy, pal.

For the second time in two weeks a certain client has referred to me as ‘buddy’. Both times, I’d just put forth an argument which had crushed his. Both times my tone walked the tightrope between diplomatic and patronising (erring towards the former was a particular challenge). And, both times the client ended the conversation with ‘thanks buddy’. I hate being called ‘buddy’, and hate even more being called it by someone younger than me. I find it a derogatory term, and I can only presume that is why he used it when thanking me. He obviously wasn’t going to say “thank you for proving my argument was not well-thought out, and for also doing this in a public forum with my superiors.”

I mentioned this to a few of my colleagues, and the general response was they felt ‘buddy’ wasn’t necessarily negative. I beg to differ:

- 10 year old boy helps dad in the garden, does a poor job of it, but Dad nonetheless says ‘thanks buddy’. It was said in good spirit, but was dismissive of his efforts – and of course, the boy is blissfully unaware of this.

- 13 year old boy grabs a few beers from the fridge for Dad and his mates. “Thanks buddy”. Boy has a sip of his Dad’s. He has another, then Dad says “That’s enough for you buddy”.

- Apprentice mechanic hands the tradesman a shifter. “Thanks buddy”. Maybe next time he’ll get to have a go himself, but he’s not quite ready yet.

To set a context for where this term is used, I guess it always involves the following:

1. You’re referred to as ‘buddy’ by someone older than you.

2. You’re in a situation where you’re not quite old/competent enough yet.

3. You’ve done something to help, with good intentions.

So I guess what grated on me most was the client is younger and that I am more competent than he. At least I did help him, even if it involved bruising his ego. So, don't fucking call ME buddy, pal.

Mistaken Identity

Day 4 (yesterday) and it’s the sister Agency’s Christmas party. During the day, a couple of people at my Agency were discussing a colleague; let’s call him Ben, who works across both Agencies. I had both yet to meet Ben, and learn that several people within that Agency share his name.

At the party (and after several cocktails) I was introduced to Ben.

ME (pleasant): Nice to meet you finally Ben, so, you head up the Digital division don’t you?

BEN (laughing, and dismissive): Ha ha, yeah, I don’t know anything about fucking websites.

ME (thinking he is who I think, and playing along): So what do you do then Ben?

BEN (still laughing, and being cheeky): I launched this Agency in the Australasian market!

ME (not going to be taken for a ride): Bullshit!

The conversation then was quickly changed by a colleague. Turns out Ben did indeed launch the Agency. To call it a faux pas would be an understatement…

One Word Equity

OK, so we all know brief templates are almost identical from Agency to Agency - they just use different terms that reflect the Agencies’ ‘approach’ (e.g. Disruption, Brand Essence etc.) At my new Agency, we have a “One Word Equity” (OWE).

One of the simian’s I met earlier in the week at a briefing decided to change the Agency’s OWE provided in our return brief. The OWE changed from an actual equity of importance to consumers, to, wait for it, “Brand Awareness”. Now, the fact this is indeed two words isn’t what strikes me as being particularly stupid (I just assume reading comprehension wasn’t his strong suit at school), what shocked me was trying to understand how his brain had misfired to conclude Brand Awareness was an equity in this instance.

This particular job is about a company becoming more accessible to consumers, in the physical sense. Therefore, the OWE could be ‘Accessibility’, or even ‘Convenience’. Certainly not ‘Brand Awareness’.

What’s more, the simian chose to enlighten us to his genius via email (I fucking hate that), and when responded to both electronically and by leaving several phone messages – we discovered the simian had become lost in the jungle and just couldn’t be contacted.

I warned our footpath fruit seller to keep a close eye on his bananas. In the meantime, we'll keep a traquilizer gun close to hand, and work from OUR brief.

First Impressions

Day 1 – Orientation

Fridge healthily stocked with beer (stocko and premium), wine, champagne, caffeine and juice. Nice.

Kitchen stocked with said beverages in warm state. Nice, I value foresight.

Day 1 – Parma

Quality parma within 100 metres of office (what’s with establishments that don’t consider ham to be an essential ingredient for a quality parma? All too common if you ask me).

Day 1 – Office Manager

Office Manager provides detailed explanation of a friend’s plight. In short, Friend attends Derby Day, meets boy, engages in intimate contact. Friend breaks out with rash around the mouth, visits doctor. Doctor requests Friend come in regarding results of tests. Friend arrives, finds Police are present. Doctor explains rash consistent ONLY with people who sleep with the dead. Police delve deeper. Friend assists and Police discover the boy works in a morgue. Police proceed to press charges...

Day 2 – Client (s)

I meet 7 of the 35 strong Marketing team. At this stage, only two have proved to be simian in nature.

Day 2 – 4:45pm

Senior Art Director approaches fridge, and politely enquires as to anyone’s interest in a beverage. There is no immediate response, so Senior Art Director states “You know I don’t mind drinking by myself”.

First impressions? I may just fit in here...

A clean desk

My last post from my current comfy surrounds – and no, I haven’t been given the ass.

To my current Agency, I leave a clean desk, in fact the cleanest it’s been since I arrived (except for several stubborn red wine stains) and hopefully a significant debt on the boss’s credit card after this evenings farewell.

Here’s to a fresh start on Monday – closer to Warsaw than Paris though. Stay tuned…

Online Player

Many Agencies claim an ‘integrated’ service offer. Call it ‘through-the-line’, ‘360 degree’ or another equally ephemeral phrase. For the non-marketing industry types, this simply means the Agency claims competence across a range of communication, branding and marketing disciplines. While most Agencies regularly preach that their clients should not try to be everything, to everyone – it would seem the reverse for our own businesses, and a great irony. You’d be quite right to brandish any one of these agencies as ‘a jack of all trades, and master of none’.

The Agency I work for is one such example. While we do indeed show expertise across a couple of industry sectors and communication mediums, it’s fair to say our online offering isn’t the strongest. Our expertise in the field was kindly pointed out to us recently by an Online Agency. They were trawling the web and checking out their competition when they stumbled across our holding page (our site is being redeveloped). They clicked on our contact link and sent us an email pointing out that our flash animated Agency name is spelt incorrectly. Nice, and what’s better, it’s been like that for about six months. So, not only is our holding page a poor advertisement for our online capabilities, it now extends to our Quality Assaurance.

Full credit however to the cheeky Online Agency BDM who then offered to pop over and provide us with a proposal to redevelop our site!

'sample noise' - taking the piss

Of the hundred’s of meetings I’ve sat through since opting to prostitute my soul in exchange for relatively easy-money, I can count on one hand how many meetings were of a productive nature. Given this low-strike rate, in preparing for a meeting I tend not to expect any significant ground will be made, but rather much old ground will be covered with no clear outcomes from which another futile meeting will be scheduled. That’s not to say I don’t approach meetings with a clear objective in mind. Experience has simply lowered my expectation of a result.

Consequently, when I'm not required to present, I find myself nodding my head at regular intervals to hide my inattentiveness (sometimes my absolute disinterest) during the long-winded, jargon-rich discussions I’m so often subjected to – generally by a consultant (or team thereof) that shares my client.

This week (as I nodded in all the appropriate places and thought of the nearing parma and two pints) I was rudely snapped-back into a discussion upon hearing ‘sample noise’ sprout from the mouth of a very senior researcher in response to a particularly challenging question.

“What’s this?” I thought, sounds like suspect jargon for ‘a poor-result we can’t explain’.

Sure enough, the term was picked-up and repeated a few minutes later when a junior researcher had his moment in the spotlight to read aloud some figures (which we all had on a hand-out in front of us) and offer us some primal interpretations. Yet again, ‘sample noise’ was used to dismiss an unexpected research result that couldn’t easily be explained. It was used in an outrageous context that suggested the negative result should be ignored, and we should assume for arguments sake that the result was positive.

Fuck me. Nothing like adding credibility to your profession. I’ll just bet our advertising budget on your findings then shall I?

What’s even scarier is the term’s contagious, so watch out – not long had it been introduced into the discourse before both the client Marketing Director and my Agency Head were freely tossing the term around almost as liberally as they were ‘consumer insight’.

After not much thought, it struck me that ‘sample noise’ is simply researcher-speak for “I’m too lazy to dig deeper into the data to find a logical answer", or it could be “I’m too stupid to do anything beyond data entry and collation”. Whatever the definition, the joke’s on the client, and the research company’s walked away with a bag full of cash.

If my definition doesn't make sense, just accept that it does – it’s just a bit of sample noise you shouldn't worry about.

Oh, and guess what? We're meeting again next week to go back over the research results.

Advertising - a load of wank

Each day, like most office monkeys, I engage in a variety of email conversations with various collegues and friends. One such friend, an Enviromental Policy Analyst for a Power Industry lobby-group (a paradox, I know), today stated that the advertising industry is a "load of wank". Before responding to this slur, I asked him to clarify what exactly he meant by a "load of wank". His response (cut and paste from his email):

"To use the analogy - if you have intercourse with someone, it produces a useful thing (or at least it has the potential to do so). If you wank, it produces something, but it’s of no real use – it’s primarily for self-gratification. Advertising, while resulting in an output, is fairly useless in terms of being productive apart from the point of view of wealth creation. The information needed to make informed purchasing decisions can be provided by the sellers of the goods and services themselves. In fact, as a customer I would argue that you generally seek it out yourself when you wish to make an informed decision because you don’t trust advertising to give you the whole story anyway. All the industry really does is create wealth for itself, by providing a service that nobody really “needs”. It’s customers are not really in a position to be able to establish a correlation between advertising $ spent and $ revenue earned – there’s too many variables. That said, the industry clearly would have to be delivering benefits to its customers or they presumably wouldn’t continue to spend the $ they do on advertising. But what is this wealth worth in terms of useful outcomes for society? It is arguable whether companies that achieve growth through brand reputation – the ultimate achievement of advertising – are really contributing much to society. They generally sell consumer products – crap we don’t really need that allows self-gratification. Hence, 'a load of wank'."

Corby Vs Nguyen

Enough said.

Mixing alcohol & clients

Again, another lax day in the Agency for moi. I must remember to congratulate the Business Development Manager on the sterling job he’s doing.

Between arriving this morning, checking emails, a leisurely stroll up to the patisserie and preparing myself for a parma and two pints, I received four email invitations to client Christmas parties – and we’re still only in the lead-up to cup week.

In anticipation of the upcoming and inevitably awkward conversations with drunk Marketing Managers, I think it's prudent to now remind myself of the indispensable advice my first MD kindly bestowed upon me when I arrived fresh-faced and eager from Uni.

MD (serious, American accent): If there’s three Golden Rules with clients in advertising son, it's these:

1. If you can’t hold your piss, reconsider your career choice, and in the meantime, don’t drink anymore than what’s simply courteous.

2. If you can hold your piss, never EVER drink faster than the client. They’ll either think you’re a typical alco advertising wanker, or feel like a soft-cock in comparison.

3. If you’re with a client, don’t know what you’re talking about and are simply show-casing your ability to memorise and regurgitate the jargon you picked up at university, then shut the FUCK up.

ME (graciously): Fancy a beer?

We then adjourned to the beer garden next door where the MD continued to mentor me and provide further invaluable advice - but that's a story for another time.