ALL YOU CAN CASH AND CARRY!

Fuck obscure branding concepts. Forget high production values. Don’t engage the hack, failed film-maker director who’s “between projects”. And, most importantly, drop three zeros off your budget.

If you want an ad that breaks through the clutter, and shifts product, take my advice and follow this recipe:

1. Book direct only 60” spots (why pay an Agency? They’ll rip you off.).

2. Make sure production of your ad is included as “added-value” with your media buy (again, no need for those pony-tailed ad wankers).

3. Get a digital camera, and provide the station with loads of poorly-shot product pics you took yourself (photographers will waste your whole day setting up lighting, and they’ll rip you off).

4. Engage VO talent that can shout aggressively (the station should have plenty of these guys at their fingertips).

5. Don’t be scared of supers. The more the better and make sure they are different colours. Preferably from the fluorescents colour palette. Just tell the production guys and they’ll excitedly handle this for you.

6. Quick cuts are essential. Ensure a product pic, gaudy super and shouted line appear in unison and are on-screen for no longer than 2 seconds. Again, tell the editor and he/she will do this for you.

7. Write it yourself, it’s easy - just select and repeat lines such as:

“All you can cash and carry”
“Just get down here”
“Never again prices”
“Don’t miss it”
“All under one roof”
“Minimum XX% off” (don’t say sale price, just put a tiny super at the base with XX% off RRP)

8. Ensure the sound-mix is at legal limit, and filled out. Get the sound guy to include heaps of sound effects as supers appear (stamping sounds, whooshing etc.)

Now you’ve got yourself an ad that is so load, laughable, visually and aurally offensive, that it will stand out from the sweetly produced branding wank it will air amongst – and, the audience will remember it for that reason alone.

My favorite ad of this genre I saw a couple of months ago. It was a typical stock clearance ad screaming company X needed to make way for new product arriving from overseas – so, you guessed it, everything just had to go.

The best bit was...

Image (static): Container ship
M.V.O. (shouting): We’ve got an absolute “shipload” of product that’s got to go!
Super (flashing): Minimum 70% off everything!

Go on, d-i-y advertising - you know you want to.