There’s a grub amongst us.

So I walk into our clean, somewhat ‘vogue living’ amenities this morning, front-up to the wall-mounted urinal, un-zip and assume the stance. Eyes, as dictated by etiquette, fixed on the pure white tiles some 30cm from my face. Well, what are usually pure white tiles. What greeted me today was snot. Lots of it. Spattered across the tiles at head height.

The spattering was what got me most. Looking at the quantity, and the distribution, it was obvious this wasn’t a pick and smear job. This was evidence the ‘bushman’s hanky’ technique had been employed. Those not familiar with this technique, or perhaps this Australian colloquialism, let me explain simply. Block off your right nostril with your thumb. Close mouth. Blow hard, short bursts of air through the un-blocked left nostril. Alternate nostrils and repeat process. Becareful to aim your nose away from your body.

If you’re thinking this sounds primal, grotesque and totally unsophisticated – you’re right. Which brings me to my current mission. Which overpaid ad monkey among us is the grub? And when I discover who it is, how should I shame them?