Advertising - a load of wank

Each day, like most office monkeys, I engage in a variety of email conversations with various collegues and friends. One such friend, an Enviromental Policy Analyst for a Power Industry lobby-group (a paradox, I know), today stated that the advertising industry is a "load of wank". Before responding to this slur, I asked him to clarify what exactly he meant by a "load of wank". His response (cut and paste from his email):

"To use the analogy - if you have intercourse with someone, it produces a useful thing (or at least it has the potential to do so). If you wank, it produces something, but it’s of no real use – it’s primarily for self-gratification. Advertising, while resulting in an output, is fairly useless in terms of being productive apart from the point of view of wealth creation. The information needed to make informed purchasing decisions can be provided by the sellers of the goods and services themselves. In fact, as a customer I would argue that you generally seek it out yourself when you wish to make an informed decision because you don’t trust advertising to give you the whole story anyway. All the industry really does is create wealth for itself, by providing a service that nobody really “needs”. It’s customers are not really in a position to be able to establish a correlation between advertising $ spent and $ revenue earned – there’s too many variables. That said, the industry clearly would have to be delivering benefits to its customers or they presumably wouldn’t continue to spend the $ they do on advertising. But what is this wealth worth in terms of useful outcomes for society? It is arguable whether companies that achieve growth through brand reputation – the ultimate achievement of advertising – are really contributing much to society. They generally sell consumer products – crap we don’t really need that allows self-gratification. Hence, 'a load of wank'."

Corby Vs Nguyen

Enough said.

Mixing alcohol & clients

Again, another lax day in the Agency for moi. I must remember to congratulate the Business Development Manager on the sterling job he’s doing.

Between arriving this morning, checking emails, a leisurely stroll up to the patisserie and preparing myself for a parma and two pints, I received four email invitations to client Christmas parties – and we’re still only in the lead-up to cup week.

In anticipation of the upcoming and inevitably awkward conversations with drunk Marketing Managers, I think it's prudent to now remind myself of the indispensable advice my first MD kindly bestowed upon me when I arrived fresh-faced and eager from Uni.

MD (serious, American accent): If there’s three Golden Rules with clients in advertising son, it's these:

1. If you can’t hold your piss, reconsider your career choice, and in the meantime, don’t drink anymore than what’s simply courteous.

2. If you can hold your piss, never EVER drink faster than the client. They’ll either think you’re a typical alco advertising wanker, or feel like a soft-cock in comparison.

3. If you’re with a client, don’t know what you’re talking about and are simply show-casing your ability to memorise and regurgitate the jargon you picked up at university, then shut the FUCK up.

ME (graciously): Fancy a beer?

We then adjourned to the beer garden next door where the MD continued to mentor me and provide further invaluable advice - but that's a story for another time.

Media Reps

Being a quiet day in the Agency, when the receptionist buzzed to cautiously enquire as to my interest in speaking with a new media rep I thought, "Why not? Could be good for a laugh". Some friendly banter, followed by the usual fire of questions about client lists etc, and then the inevitable pitch.

While it's generally accepted that media reps exhibit a less than satisfactory understanding of consumer behavior (just sit through a cut and paste PP prop for confirmation of this), what's more, they all too frequently - and embarrassingly for them - prove they have not taken the time to perform even the most rudimentary research on your client's business. Today was one such example...

ME (Superior tone): "Thanks for calling to introduce yourself Natalie, though I must say I fail to see the 'brand synergy' - as you've put it several times in our discussion - between our client's refrigeration business and your residential living magazine."

NATALIE (Curt): "Well it's a natural fit - all homes need refrigeration"

ME (Flippant): "Indeed they do Natalie, no longer a modern luxury some would say"

NATALIE (Indignant): "That's right, and our magazine provides an avenue for (company name removed) to talk directly to their target market. That's what I mean by a natural synergy for the brand."

ME (Condescending): "Right, well let me put it this way. I've never asked, say, my mum if she's interested in acquiring industrial refrigeration products, but I'm pretty confident she's not in the market for them. You see I'm not sure that a product designed to provide our friends at the local abattoir, for example, with the cooling capacity required to ensure our freshly butchered lamb arrives un-spoiled on our dinner plates is really suitable, or rather practical, in a suburban residential environment. Would you agree Natalie?"

Score: ME 1, Media Rep 0