Think of the money

Saturday in the office. Monday comes. Client dislikes it. Hates it. Monday spent fixing. Monday afternoon told "we need 10am Tuesday". Monday night (now, it's 11pm Oz) still working. Looks like a couple of hours off still. Presentation 9:15am tomorrow. 5 bottles of wine between 3 of us, so far. Must keep myself nice for morning. Want to sleep. Need another beverage. Remember to get cabcharge. Rethinking job in this industry. Still seems easy. Think of the money.

Production lies.

Quality production managers are worth their weight in splendorgel. Walk into any agency and you can easily identify him/her by spotting the person engaged in one of following activities:

- Sniffing the ink on a newly-arrived print item in an addict-like manner.
- Gently stroking a new stock variety (with a sexually stimulated look on his/her face. Designers too enjoy this activity, so be careful not to confuse them – if they are dressed well, move on and continue your search).
- Yelling down the phone about costs and/or timings.
- Whipping a mac monkey for setting up artwork incorrectly.
- Attending one-by-one to a line of ‘suits’ and ‘creatives’ parked outside his/her office.

It’s this final occurance that sorts the good from the bad. The time-poor production manager is faced with managing the internal expectations of agency staffers, while at the same time screwing suppliers to the point where they still want your business. How do they do it? Simple, they lie.

Suit (frantic): Have those brochures arrived yet?

PM (poker-faced): I’m expecting them soon. I’ll give Printer X a call and follow up.

Translation: I’m expecting them in two days. Fuck off. When you come back in an hour’s time, I’ll tell you I’ve placed a call (but haven’t), they are doing everything possible to get them through, but can’t guarantee delivery today just yet. They’ll keep us up to date as the day progresses.



Designer (serious): Is this the recycled non-bleach chemical free nouveau white stock I specified?

PM (poker-faced): Sure is. Beautiful stuff isn’t it – can’t wait to smell the ink on that one.

Translation: No it’s not, pretentious git. It’s half the price, and actually holds ink. But you wouldn’t know the fucking difference anyway. I could print your work on anything and you’d still make the comment “the stock I suggested really makes this piece”.



Printer (beaten): I’ll see what I can do about matching Printer X’s cost.

PM (Poker-faced): Thanks, because there’s a lot of work coming up that I’d like to give to you guys.

Translation: I have no intention of giving you any further work unless you give me the price that I want. What’s more, I reserve the right to not give it to you even if you do match the price.

Point of this post? Production lies is the oil of the agency machine. If your production manager can’t bend the truth, have him/her removed.

Fucked communication industry jobs #1 – Ad/media sales

First, to any ad sales people who in the unlikely event read this post and complain by way of an anonymous comment, know this; I really couldn’t care less if I’ve offended you. Second, don’t bother suggesting you’ve been unfairly singled out - I’ll slander other shit jobs in future posts.

Moving on then, so why is advertising sales such a shit job and why are the people who perform this function generally wankers? Well, I’m glad I asked me, let me tell you…

1. Selling ad space is like selling cars. Day in day out you’re spruiking your wares to a cynical audience who think your full of shit.

2. Deeper than deep throat. No matter how many times you’re rejected, ignored and told to fuck off, as soon as you’ve got a new offer you come trotting back, unashamedly, and suck cock yet again…only to be slapped like the poodle-bitch you are. But you like that, don’t you?

Now it gets more personal…

3. All too often ad sales people try to pass themselves off as someone who works agency side – because secretly they wish they did. At both social and industry occasions I’ve heard people respond to a question about their vocation with “I work in advertising”. Wrong, you work in flogging media space, like real estate. Now go and tell the retail assistant you’re trying to pick up that you don’t come up with ‘wacky’ creative concepts each day (in between snorting lines of coke, and lazing on leather sofas) but instead perform a role no more glamorous than telemarketing.

4. I said this before, and I’ll say it again. Ad sales people are downright lazy when it comes to researching a clients needs, or producing a powerpoint prop. I’ve seen so many recycled powerpoint presentations where the ad sales sloth has replaced Brand X with Brand Y in all but 2 or three places. Quite embarrassing for them during the presentation. I’ve even been lucky enough to speak to a rep who did no research on our client, and as a result, tried to flog a package that would see an industrial refrigeration company (that manufactures products to suit abattoirs) advertising in an up-market home living magazine. Click here for the full post

When I think of ad sales people, I truly appreciate the effort media buyers put in…afterall, they have to deal with these schmucks on an hourly basis. So, here’s to you, Media Buyer, may the force be with you.