The hallway test

So the campaign's been presented, and then the client takes it away "to think about it". The Bullshit Observer knows what happens next

Level-envy

Each day I get in the lift, hit my level number and inevitably someone else hits a floor above. Whether it’s the top floor, simply the one above mine, or any in-between, I feel an immediate sense of level-envy.

Is it better up there? Do those stuffy, dull bean-counters have a better office space? Are their amenities more lavish than ours? Is he/she thinking “Ha, I’m higher up than you – look down upon you later, prole”. And they must be thinking this. I know. Each time I get in the lift and hit a higher level than someone else, I feel smug, and somewhat superior.

What’s fucking wrong with my head? Is this some kind of subconscious megalomania?

Doing the community a service

OK. So you’ve been given a shit-load of media space for zilch, and you’ve got production companies willing to make you ads for nothing. Here’s a few ‘causes’ I’d push:

1. Ben Lee is for cunts – his music’s shit, and although he promotes a kooky, indie façade – he’s just as throw-away pop and un-credible as Ashlee Simpson. Don’t buy his records.

2. Hillsong is a rort, praying on weak-minded youth seeking the false sense of security that belief in life after death offers. In the meantime, Hillsong enjoy all the trappings life has to offer when your super rich. Don’t support them.

3. Christians and Muslims should stop fighting over who the O.G. prophet is and recognise that all religions share the same core values. You don’t kill people. You don’t fuck your neighbour. Don’t steal shit…etc. You are the same.

4. Cats are superior to dogs. Full-stop.

5. Richard Branson should allow his island to be used as a base for all the racists, homophobes and political & religious extremists to be dumped like the social lepers that they are to live out ‘lord of the flies’.

6. Glo sticks and ridiculous ‘danjar! danjar!’ reflective raver pants are for cocks. Full-stop, again.

7. Support additional funding for the ABC. For obvious reasons.

8. Don’t allow Germaine Greer back in Australia, ever.

9. If you own a bottom of the line BMW, don’t think is symbolic of your success. Remember that old mate carpenter Trev’s Ford Falcon cost more.

What would you do?

Selling your soul

f.i.n.e’s comment on my previous post stated AS people have sold their soul - and suggested creatives haven't. This got me thinking, seems a fair enough comment, but is it?

Here’s an analogy. A team of people manufacture cocaine and provide the product to bagmen who then supply it to the local primary school kids. The kids love it, and then like the little fiends they are go and ask the suppliers for more. The bagmen go back to the manufacturers and start the whole process over again.

Neither the manufacturer or the supplier could in anyway suggest that either were less ethical or moral in their actions than the other.

To suggest that creatives haven’t sold out it is, well, frankly bullshit. Creatives are commercial artists, compromising their talent for commercial gain. They manufacture a product, hand it to the bagmen, who then flog-it to the client. Who’s sold out more? Well, that’s not really the question – as with our friends above, I don’t believe either could argue with any degree of certainty that one camp has sold out more than the other. The question is then, who can admit they’ve sold out? I for one don’t give a fuck and am fairly comfortable admitting it - I just make sure I sell out with integrity.

Dumb fucks or not, they still deserve a little sympathy

We should all feel a little sympathy for the poor guys and gals that work client-side. Afterall, working life must be absolutely fucked – and it’s easy to see when you do a simple comparison with our working circumstances.

1. They work in cubicle farms
We work (mostly) in lavish, designer offices.

2. They have a water bubbler
We have all manner of juices and soft drinks to consume at our pleasure

3. They have after work drinks once in a blue moon
We have during and after work drinks daily, free, and not cheap shit.

4. They work on the same project, every fucking day
We work on a dynamic range of jobs, each day

5. They hear the constant buzz of ringing phones, inane natter and gossip
We hear music and laughter

6. Their colleagues are usually dull, boring and of average (or below) intelligence.
Our colleagues are usually charismatic, interesting and of above average intelligence.

7. They get paid
We get overpaid

8. Secretly, they would love to have our job.
We wouldn’t fucking touch theirs

Numerous more comparisons could be made, but I think the above serves to show we should feel at least a little bit of sympathy for those poor fuckers – even if they did bring that shit on themselves.

Shit in, Shit out – Tips for clients part 2

A solid brief = great creative = smooth production = meeting deadlines = shifting product or perceptions = meeting business objectives = everyone looks good = we all win.

A shit brief = fucked creative = re-brief = missed timings = rushed production = low production values = bastardised completed piece = failed to meet business objectives = we all look shit (until the Agency exposes you to senior management) = we all lose.

Tips for (middle management) clients

Before you dismiss a concept because it doesn’t appeal to you, try and consider how your target market might respond to it.

If you can’t decide between two concepts, the solution isn’t taking pieces from both to create a new one.

Your brand is not your logo.

An idea makes an ad. 20% off is not an idea in itself.

Purchasing a rights-managed stock shot doesn’t mean you own it. Yes, we have the high resolution version, but no, you can’t use it again without paying.

Before you ask to increase the font size of the heading, make it all caps, and put it in bold, please refer to your corporate style guide – you’ll see the answer is NO, and won’t have to waste the Agency’s time. What’s more, you’ll also save yourself the embarrassment of admitting you don’t know your own corporate standards.

Same applies with your colour palette.

Don’t write notes or cross things out on a copy deck as it’s being read to you – it’s simply rude.

If you like something you see, praise the Agency – they won’t think you’re as big a cunt as they previously thought.

If you have to use jargon, use it sparingly.

Gather all your changes together at once, and then send them through to the Agency. Don’t dribble them through. It pisses everyone off, takes more time (opening files, resaving, getting internal sign-offs, etc) and costs you more money.

If you send an email asking for something to be done immediately, you’ve made two mistakes:

1. We are not sitting at our desks waiting for you to send an email that instructs us as to our next move. We might receive your urgent email 8 hours later when we are back at our desks.

2. If it’s urgent, call through the change. You won’t look like a prick from sending that demanding, unrealistic turn-around-time email, and you can make sure your request is received. You can even take the opportunity to thank the Agency for turning it around for you.

If you want to use your own printer. Fine. When it fucks up, you’ll wish you’d paid a slight mark-up for someone else to wear the problem.

Don’t mention other Agencies you may have worked with in the past. It’s a small industry, and you can bet someone knows someone who dealt with you in the past. And you can bet there’s some stories you probably don’t want us to know.