iAd – 10,000 ads in your pocket

Introducing iAd – the world’s first ad production system in your pocket.

iAd represents the future of advertising, does away with advertising agencies, and returns total control to you – the businessman.

iAd is easy to use. Simply upload your logo, select your corporate colours, typeface and preferred template, then let iAd do the rest!

Features include:

- three pre-set logo sizes (large, visual assault, fucking massive)
- Random headline generation (key-word database functionality)
- Fill-in-the-company-name body copy templates (sign-up for iAds and receive regular industry jargon database updates)
- Stock shot selector

For the low low price of $299.95 you will never have to pay exorbitant Agency fees again. Empower your business with iAd today!

“iAd is so easy to use. Now my secretary creates our ads!”
Chip Stone – Managing Director, ACME insurance

“I love the ‘fucking massive’ logo option! Now our ads have real cut-through!”
Dick Rambone – Marketing Director, Truck World

Public holidays to celebrate the death of a fictional character.

I love it. Public holidays for Friday and Monday – the biggest scam those crazy religion-fiends have pulled off yet.

What I don’t love is coming to work today knowing the following will happen, and since arriving, has…

- Client #1 shits it, realising only now that two business days are now missing, and that item they were going to brief us on tomorrow, and require turn-around on Monday, now has to be done today. 11:00am is the first we hear of it.

- Client #2 realises printer is also missing two days, so finished art must be completed on eight different jobs immediately and despatched.

- Client #1, from shitting it, provides extremely poor brief which then leads to a re-brief and new artwork.

- Client simply cannot understand that given their poor organization skills we are unable to deliver on all requests…

“What do you mean, can’t you just call in some freelancers?”

“Well, yes, we have, but seems dumb fucks like you at every company around town have been doing this to all the other agencies and now there’s a shortage of decent freelancers around. Cunt”.

And, the final one I’m expecting in a few hours time…

“Would you guys mind working for a few hours over the long weekend?”

Arrogance 101

Being right can be tiresome. You're expected to prove your point, which takes time and effort. And quite frankly, sometimes you just can't be fucked. That's when I like to use the following statement, then walk away.

"Questioning me will only serve to show that I am right"

A day in the life of a client

Preface - this gets a little rough, but fuck 'em - today one client has pushed me too far. This is purely fictional, of course.

It's morning, and the client's thinking today I will...

Ask the agency to do a new concept to replace the one I approved yesterday

Blatantly lie about my deadlines

Write another poorly thought out re-brief

Not bother to read the return-brief

Change my mind about the brief once creative work has begun

Open mail, and then ask for detailed breakdown of costs on invoices I’ve received to further delay payment

Look to my competitors for ideas I can steal and copy, then demand the agency reproduce with our logo on it

Read the latest management mag to pick up some new phrases and to enjoy the article on the new Range Rover

Re-write the scripts we will be recording in half an hour

Search for water-sports porn on the internet

Turn up to the studio and throw the scripts at the writer

Watch the writer struggle to remain professional

Perv at the account executive, and flirt openly with her

Enjoy knowing the account exec has to be nice to me

Exploit this relationship while the writer fumes

Refuse the writer the opportunity to change my scripts

Loadly criticise the VO talent in the studio

Suggest alternative intonation to writer

Not approve the ad in the studio.

Take it back to work and ask the secretary what she thinks

Take her comments on board

Ring the agency and complain it is off-brief

Tell Agency to start again – refuse to pay for studio time

Write new brief for a phantom-job to make agency earn their retainer. Include all mediums as mandatory for the concept presentation

Ring Agency and complain about finished art costs, colour lasers and couriers

Ask Agency to quote on several, complicated print jobs

Receive quotes and go with own supplier

Meet with MD of Agency for a few drinks, at his expense

Not realise I am paying for it anyway

Tell him I want a new creative team on our business - regail story of poor scripts the writer had produced today

Go to toilet and wank over mental image of account exec

Shake hands with MD and return to work

Ignore requests in inbox from Agency for more information about new product

Ring a new Agency and ask if they want to pitch for our business

Have no intention of switching Agency, but will use this to make current Agency jump through even more hoops

Yawn

Delete search history on internet explorer

Shut-down computer and go home to wife and kids

Drive home in oversized vehicle

Bash wife for not having dinner ready on time

Watch her cry, and laugh to myself

Start to feel horny

Go looking for kids. (updated - got some nasty feedback on the previous line).

A special :) for Joker

Another cracker of a post from the folks over at Why Advertising Sucks.

Here’s a sample to whet your appetite.

“I much rather bland, clearly written jobs that let me do the job right the first time instead of a lame excuse for an official document that happens to have smiley faces and hugs and kisses and all kinds of cute nifty little dimwit things I could have found cute if I were a third grade girl or a mentally retarded, gay, show tune loving, interior designer for mental wards”.

Finally, some good news

So many fucked things have happened today that only this has managed to put a smile on my face. Seems I won't need to make that ad afterall.