Friday, April 07, 2006

A day in the life of a client

Preface - this gets a little rough, but fuck 'em - today one client has pushed me too far. This is purely fictional, of course.

It's morning, and the client's thinking today I will...

Ask the agency to do a new concept to replace the one I approved yesterday

Blatantly lie about my deadlines

Write another poorly thought out re-brief

Not bother to read the return-brief

Change my mind about the brief once creative work has begun

Open mail, and then ask for detailed breakdown of costs on invoices I’ve received to further delay payment

Look to my competitors for ideas I can steal and copy, then demand the agency reproduce with our logo on it

Read the latest management mag to pick up some new phrases and to enjoy the article on the new Range Rover

Re-write the scripts we will be recording in half an hour

Search for water-sports porn on the internet

Turn up to the studio and throw the scripts at the writer

Watch the writer struggle to remain professional

Perv at the account executive, and flirt openly with her

Enjoy knowing the account exec has to be nice to me

Exploit this relationship while the writer fumes

Refuse the writer the opportunity to change my scripts

Loadly criticise the VO talent in the studio

Suggest alternative intonation to writer

Not approve the ad in the studio.

Take it back to work and ask the secretary what she thinks

Take her comments on board

Ring the agency and complain it is off-brief

Tell Agency to start again – refuse to pay for studio time

Write new brief for a phantom-job to make agency earn their retainer. Include all mediums as mandatory for the concept presentation

Ring Agency and complain about finished art costs, colour lasers and couriers

Ask Agency to quote on several, complicated print jobs

Receive quotes and go with own supplier

Meet with MD of Agency for a few drinks, at his expense

Not realise I am paying for it anyway

Tell him I want a new creative team on our business - regail story of poor scripts the writer had produced today

Go to toilet and wank over mental image of account exec

Shake hands with MD and return to work

Ignore requests in inbox from Agency for more information about new product

Ring a new Agency and ask if they want to pitch for our business

Have no intention of switching Agency, but will use this to make current Agency jump through even more hoops

Yawn

Delete search history on internet explorer

Shut-down computer and go home to wife and kids

Drive home in oversized vehicle

Bash wife for not having dinner ready on time

Watch her cry, and laugh to myself

Start to feel horny

Go looking for kids. (updated - got some nasty feedback on the previous line).

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