How does ‘get fucked’ sound?

Working in advertising requires a thick-skin, a measure of diplomacy and patience. But like all humans (yes, we are human), when the pressure’s on for an extended period of time with no break in the foreseeable future, shit happens. I’ve worked with an Art Director that has smashed a coffee table in front of a client and kicked in a door. The result? A well-earned holiday.

I need to hold down a job, so I calm myself by fantasising about what I could say in various situations. Here’s a few examples:

Client: I don’t see how this meets the brief.

Me: That doesn’t surprise me. The only book you read last year was The Da Vinci Code…and you thought it was brilliant.

...

Client: I’ve worked in Marketing for 20 years, and I’m telling YOU I know what works.

Me: Don’t take your life out on me.

...

Client: I must say, it’s not what I expected the finished ad would look like.

Me: Let me tell you why:

1. You’re not a Writer – yet insisted on fucking up the copy.
2. You’re not an Art Director – yet insisted on fucking up the art direction.
3. You cut the budget and as a result fucked the production values.

...

Client: I’m really sorry, but my Boss wants it changed.

Me: Let me get you a wheelchair, you spineless piece of grad school shit.

...

Client: I want this turned around today.

Me: Well I want to loudly criticise your ongoing incompetence in front of your colleagues, but we can’t have everything we want can we?

...

Client: I know you guys worked over the weekend to meet our unrealistic timings, but I need to push the presentation time back a week now.

Me: Have you ever wondered why people say you’re an inconsiderate c**t?


I could go on all day, but alas, I’ve some clients to attend to. So, drop me a comment and hit me with some of your fantasy lines…